Peace

I almost lost my peace today.

I’ve had such peace and calm lately – in the midst of holidays, finals, all the things that could make me a little crazy – and I know its because I’ve basically thrown up my hands and said “I can’t, Lord.  You will have to do it through me!”  I can’t guarantee it will make for good grades but it sure made for a better attitude!

I finished two finals and then I decided maybe I should work harder.  Do better.  Achieve.  Succeed.  And slowly, almost imperceptibly, my peace began to slip away.

“Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?”  Galatians 3:3

So I fix my eyes back on my Creator.  I will put forth my best effort but I will remember that I do nothing apart from Him and that every good and perfect gift is from Him.  Whatever the next few days and weeks and months look like or hold, my focus is Him and His glory.

And peace returns.

God Is Good – ALL The Time

A huge weight has lifted for me and I am filled with inexplicable joy.  Not because I’m finally prepared for finals (I’m not.)  Not because I’ve reached my goal weight (I haven’t.)  Not because I met The One or hit the lottery (nope.)

I just remembered something I knew once – God loves me.  God is good and His intentions and plans for me are good.  Even the most important details of my life on this earth pale in comparison to that truth.  The things that overwhelm me and cause me fear or worry may matter today and even tomorrow…but eternally?  Not even close.  I belong to Him and He is eternal.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”  Hebrews 13:8

This, then, is of faith, that everything, the very least, or what seems to us great, every change of the seasons, everything which touches us in mind, body, or estate, whether brought about through this outward senseless nature, or by the will of man, good or bad, is overruled to each of us by the all-holy and ll-loving will of God.  Whatever befalls us, however it befalls us, we must receive as the will of God.  If it befalls us through man’s negligence or ill-will or anger, still it is, in even the least circumstance, to us the will of God.  For if the least thing could happen to us without God’s permission, it would be something out of God’s control.  God’s providence or His love would not be what they are.  Almighty God himself would not be the same God; not the God whom we believe, adore, and love.

This realization doesn’t really change any of my life circumstances – but it changes me.  It changes my perspective.  It changes my priorities.  It changes my prayers.

Instead of asking God to do this or that or fix this or that, perhaps I should be asking for His directions.

“Lord, what would you have me do in this moment?”

“How can I glorify you in this situation, Lord?”

“How should someone saved by Your Grace and loved with Your Eternal Love act right now?”

Or perhaps, even better, quit asking questions long enough to just be grateful.

“Thank you, Lord.  Thank you that you’re all that I need and that you carry me through every moment of every day.  Thank you that you are good all the time.  Thank you for loving me.”

 

 

 

What’s Enough?

Well, my last post about abiding was much easier to plan than to execute. Turns out it takes a lot of time and focus to identify temptations, find God’s Word for the situation, and then memorize and apply it appropriately. This process may take me all the days of my life…but I’m not giving up…my updates just may be slow.

The situation actually brings to light something else.  I like to make lists.  Schedules.  Elaborate plans.  Self-improvement programs with 3 steps and 4 subparts per step.  I rarely follow the list/schedule/plan/program…the sense of achievement/satisfaction/peace actually comes from the making of the list/schedule/plan/program and then when I fail to follow through, I beat myself up and start over with a new list/schedule/plan/program.  Fail.  Repeat.  There is probably a name for this condition.

Today I was trying to read and pray and spend time hearing from God.  I started by apologizing for not reading and praying and spending time with Him the way I “should” – the way I “planned” and it hit me…God doesn’t need for me to do those things.  They are for my good.  Maybe He isn’t mad when I don’t do those things – maybe He’s just pleased when I do.  Maybe His love for me has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him.  What if I am enough just as I am?

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

 

 

Choices…and Abiding

Today I have been thinking about choices.  Every single day I am confronted with decisions that have the potential to improve my life or hinder it.  Most of the time, these key moments don’t even register.

Get up when the alarm goes of and accomplish all the things that make your day smoother…or hit snooze for two hours and feel stressed and behind the rest of the day.

Go running and get that burst of endorphins and improve my health or sit on the couch and “rest” while watching Law & Order reruns and realize 3 hours later that I’ve wasted that time.

Spend time reading God’s word and praying and seeking His guidance or waste that time on a million other that have no eternal consequences.

Eat healthy food in reasonable portions that make me feel good or eat however much I want of whatever I want and suffer the consequences.

Save my money and make good financial decisions or buy every little thing that I desire even for a moment and figure out how to pay for it later.

I want to do better.  I want to make wise choices.  I want to have discipline and self-control.  I want to be the person I was created to be.

However…

and within that little “dot-dot-dot” lies the transformation I think God is trying to do in me.  Because the old (natural) response to those times where I feel like I made a poor decision is to beat myself up, to give up, or to make up some plan for a different response in the future and to grit my teeth and try harder.  To read self-improvement books, articles, blogs, and make lists of things I’m going to do or keep from doing in the future.

Now I don’t think there is anything wrong with the desire for self-improvement.  I’m just learning that my ability to improve myself is limited.  Its ineffective.  It wears out pretty quick.

However…

What if instead God wants me to give Him the room in that little “dot-dot-dot” to change me.  What if He really IS the vine and I really AM the branch?  What if I really DO just need to ABIDE in Him and let Him produce the fruit in my life?  Now, I’m not always sure what it means to abide.  I’m not sure how to do it.  I’m not saying it is easy or quick or looks like I think it should.  But I do believe that God’s ability to transform me has proven much more powerful than my ability to change myself.

So what does that look like?

I don’t have all the answers but one of my very favorite teachers, Andy Stanley, has described a process that I think is a great starting point.  It sounds obvious but I don’t know very many people that do it and the few people I do know that practice this DO seem different. They ARE transformed.  It can’t hurt – a self-improvement junkie like myself has nothing to lose.  So what is this method?

1. Identifying the temptations and pitfalls that cause me to stumble.

2. Looking in God’s Word for His perspective on my situation.

3. Hiding the applicable scripture in my heart.

It isn’t very glamourous, it certainly won’t be easy, and it doesn’t offer any quick fixes…but if it works, why would I waste time or energy on any other endeavor?

So what would this look like practically?  Say I struggle with road rage.  (This is purely hypothetical.  Unless you’ve ridden with me.)  What is the root of such behavior?  Impatience?  Control?  Pride?  What does the scripture say about those things?

Proverbs 19:11     A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Ecclesiastes 7:9     Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

Proverbs 11:2     When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Now say  I take the time to memorize a verse specifically for my road rage and the next time I’m in a situation where I want to wave my arms at another driver while shouting “What is wrong with you?!?!?!” I pause and think to myself, “Don’t be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.”  Or I come across one of those evil villains who drive slow in the fast lane (a pet peeve of mine, seriously, I’m getting angry just thinking about it) I stop and remind myself “Self, wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

This practice would continually refocus my mind on God and the person He’s crafting me to be.  It reveals ways I’m letting my flesh rule.  It reminds me to abide.

A quick word about memorizing scripture.  Yes, it is hard.  Yes, it is time-consuming.  But we memorize phone numbers, song lyrics, movie quotes.  Why wouldn’t we spend the same time and energy memorizing God’s life-giving Word?

I will wrap it up for now because this blog is turning into a novel.  This is just something I feel like God is laying on my heart.  I want to try it and I will keep you posted on the process.

To whom shall I go…

Today I read an article about women and infertility.  I didn’t learn anything new but I had a strange and unexpected response.  I started crying and I couldn’t stop.  Now, I’m not one of those girls that has always dreamed about having children.  I didn’t play that much with dolls growing up.  I never loved babysitting.  I don’t really even feel like my biological clock is ticking.  BUT.  I’m 32.  And very, very single.  And the article said if you’re between the ages of 26 – 34 and you want to have children, you better hustle.  And for some unknown reason, I panicked.  Because maybe I do want kids.  And according to this article – and science in general – I’m running out of time.

Let’s back up a bit.  I have decided recently (for maybe the zillionth time) that I trust God.  That His timing is perfect and His plan for me is good and I’m no longer going to allow the enemy to lead me down that well-worn path into the pit of self-pity.

I trust Him.  I trust Him.  I trust Him.

So now…when confronted with science and reality and the strong temptation to feel sorry for all I don’t have and may not get to have…what to do???

I choose to believe the things I know to be true.

God loves me.

God has good intentions toward me.

God’s plan for my life is better than anything I could imagine.

Regardless of what I think would be “good” (i.e. marriage, family, etc.) He knows best.  If He chooses to withhold something from me, its for my good.  Even if it hurts me, He will hold my heart and carry me through any disappointment and loss (real or perceived).  And who knows?  Perhaps His timing is not bound by science.  He can do anything.

I trust Him.  I trust Him.  I trust Him.

In the book of John, chapter 6, a strange “sermon” is described.  Jesus teaches that He is the bread of life and says that unless one eats His flesh and drinks His blood, he or she can have no eternal life.  Those listening are unsure what to think.  Many turned back from following him (verse 66) and Jesus pointedly asks his followers: “You do not want to leave too, do you?” (verse 67).  Peter answers “Lord, to whom shall we go?” (verse 68).

And there you have it.  Even if I am 32.  And very, very single.  Even if the science is right and my window is rapidly closing.  Even if all my dreams fail to come true and all my nightmares become realities.  To whom shall I go?

I trust Him.  I trust Him.  I trust Him.

The Return

I have decided to return to blogging. I don’t have anything new or terribly exciting to report. I don’t think I’m any smarter. I don’t really have any new insights to share. In fact, when I look back on some of my former posts, its hard not to feel like I have made very little progress at all in the past couple of years. But…frankly…it’s cheap therapy. And I miss it. So here goes…

I still believe…

I don’t want to be afraid anymore.  I don’t want to be paranoid and hypersensitive and invent problems where there are none.  I don’t want to push away the good things in life to protect myself from the potential bad things.

In my defense…I’ve had some pretty terrible relationships…like Jerry Springer quality drama.  Still, I don’t want those experiences from my past to rob me of good things in the future.

So…starting right now…to quote that kid from Home Alone, “I’m not afraid anymore!  Do you hear me???  I’m not afraid anymore!!!”

I’m taking a leap…and expecting good things…and enjoying all the good in my life in this season.  I am going appreciate what I have as long as I have it.  As for the future…that’s in God’s hands.

10 Things That Make Me Happy – In One Word

1. Stars

2. Family

3. Rain

4. Blackberry (the phone, not the fruit)

5. Romance

6. Baths

7. Wildflowers

8. Closure

9. Convertibles

10. Possibility

10 things I’m sick of…

1. Being sick

2. Coughing to the point where I almost throw up

3. Worrying about the stupid cruise (free tip: don’t mix friendship and money)

4. The President and his entire liberal army of morons

5. Cleaning house – and keeping a house clean while living in it

6. Trying to sell my house

7. The month of May

8. Waiting for a sign

9. Not having cable

10. My bad attitude

Freedom

God never ceases to amaze me.  I suspect He never will.

I have been struggling.  To be completely honest, a stronger word is needed: I have been drowning.  Drowning in a sea of self-pity, fear, rejection, bitterness, hurt, guilt and any number of destructive and unhealthy emotions you can imagine.  I can’t really figure out exactly when the water started coming over my head but I do know that in the last few weeks the combination of loss, loneliness and sheer exhaustion (and almost zero time spent alone with God, my Restorer) have all worked together to slow my sad little dog-paddle.  The waves have gotten larger and larger.  I read back through recent journal entries and a theme emerges: “Help me, Lord.”  ”Save me.”  ”Heal me.”  ”Rescue me.”  ”Please, God, set me free.”

I have a confession to make.  It all started with a tiny little sin.  I knew something was wrong but my heart desperately wanted it to be ok so my feelings told my conscience to can it and I embraced my heart’s deep desire.  It wasn’t mine, God hadn’t given it to me but I skirted around the reality and believed the lie that the “details” (i.e. the truth) would all work out in the end.  I was wrong.

Tonight as I lay on my face and sobbed to God, begging him to save me, help me, free me, I once again heard that still, small voice – the one that has been so silent over the past weeks – and the simplicity of the question pierced my heart.  ”Do you really want to be free?”  Yes, Lord.  I’m desperate and will do anything you ask of me.  ”Will you let go of the sin you treasure most?”  Silence.  

I got up and set to work removing all the ties of my sin – I tore up every single scrap, trashed every little piece of my idolatry.  The whole time, I repeated these five words, over and over “I want to be free.  I want to be free.”

Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

I’m not sure how many times I will have to learn that when God speaks on an issue in my life, He has spoken.  The end.  Obey immediately or suffer the consequences and obey later.  Why I insist on trying to change His mind, manipulate Him or pretend His directions were in some way unclear or confusing, I’ll never understand.  Thankfully, He is patient.  Amazingly, He is forgiving.

I still hurt a little over what I have to give up – I can’t pretend I don’t.  I miss my pretend comfort.  But the peace I have from being right with my Savior again is better than any substitute for His presence.  I know His heart toward me is good.  I can hear truth again.  The voices that whisper lies to me, the voices that have beaten me down and stolen all of my peace, joy, sanity lately are silenced by God’s voice.  ”I love you.  I can take care of you.  I will meet all your needs in ways you can’t even imagine.  I will never leave you.  I have good plans for you, better than any plans you come up with on your own.  You can trust me.  You can rest in me.  You can believe me.”

I know every day, every moment, means another battle.  I can’t forget that I have an enemy that hates me and wants back all the ground he lost tonight.  I know that I will have to cling to my Father’s hand to avoid wandering away again and looking for substitutes to fill the spaces in my soul that He longs to occupy.  I pray God will move quickly to prick my heart if I lose focus or take my eyes off His face.  I don’t want to go back out into the desert.  I want to stay right here, like Mary, sitting close to Him and listening for His voice.  Please God, don’t let me falter.  Guard my heart.  

There are not words for my relief this moment.  There is nothing big enough to encompass my gratitude.  

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Yes, His wounds have paid my ransom.  

Thank you, Father,

-Your grateful child.